It’s Monday and the weather is terrible, pouring rain, gusty winds and a weather warning for the entire area for gale force winds – nice way to start a new week!
I find that poor weather seems to help perpetuate a low mood for me and as I have been feeling pretty low since Friday I am struggling to pull myself out if it.
On Friday Laurence told me that it was highly unlikely that we could remain in Australia due to my recent diagnosis with MS, and the need for him to change jobs. Which is devastating.
I gave up a lot to move to Australia, a job (which caused me a huge amount of stress and resulted in my eventual diagnosis with BPD), my friends, my family and everything that I used to identify me as a person was lost in the move. It took me a long time to settle in and get used to the change. I have come to love Australia and have had the chance of staying ripped away and so will be more than likely heading back to the UK in the not so distant future. I have made some great friends and have learned a lot about myself.
Applying for a medical exemption was the only way to stay, and this is dependent on Laurence remaining with the same company for 2 years. However, research into immigration law and the need for Laurence to change jobs (because of a hole heap of problems outside our control) has meant that this opportunity has been ripped away from us.
I have no idea what I want to do or where we should go to next. I want blood from the company that has screwed us over and I don’t think I can ever feel okay about the situation I am in, but I do need to accept it or this current emotional roller coaster I find myself on will continue. So I am pulling out the big guns, distress tolerance and emotional regulation here I come.
I feel sad, I really want to stay now, it took so much for me to move here, so much sacrifice and so much personal growth just to be sitting here right now being able to understand past behaviour that Australia really saved my life.
I feel anger and frustration about the situation as most of it is a result of things out of my control and being a control freak this is really hard to deal with. There are some many things I want to do that are impulsive and destructive it is hard to stop it from becoming overwhelming.
The thing emotion that I struggle with the most is feeling guilty. I cannot help but beat myself up about my body turning on itself to destroy my brain and spinal cord, I hate having MS. I know that there are people worse off and my symptoms are relatively under control at the moment but … if I was not diagnosed, if I was a healthy human being then I would not be in this situation. It is not my fault but yet I can not move away from blaming myself. I know that research is finding new ways to slow down disease progression etc. but is that any real consolation when it takes away everything from me for a second time.
So I guess there are more decisions to be made – where to move to in the UK, when to go, what possessions are going back (after having to give away/throw away/gift everything last time I am not letting it happen this time). If only radical acceptance was easy!!!!