It has been a little while since my last post – well actually it has been several months since my last post and I have been trying to live a life that I have always wanted to have.
So lets start from the beginning – a lot of things have changed:
- I made the decision to move to Sydney from Newcastle (important thing is that I made the decision!) 🙂
- The new place is bright and light with a balcony – very nice! 🙂
- I no longer have a full time job :(, so I am reading a lot and spending time on developing myself – online courses etc. 🙂
- Laurence is no longer happy with his job 😦
- I am having to deal with the prospect that I may have to leave Australia 😦
- I am doing well on my drug for MS, and although I have not had any attacks :), I still have issues with numbness and tiredness 😦
- I am going to the gym a lot more and doing something called body balance and have seen the increase in my flexibility 🙂
- My hair is currently blue – something I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember! 🙂
Hold the phone are there positives in that list – YES THERE IS!!!!
Although there are some negatives there are a number of positives there too. Before engaging in DBT I would never have been able to see the positives in life. I still have good and bad days but that is the way life is for everyone. There are times when I wish I could catch a break – having to have another 6 months of blood tests because my liver is starting to show early signs of damage is not the end of the world. Yes – it is not great BUT it could be worse and for a lot of people in the world it is.
One thing that is causing me some stress is the lack of a job due to how I would associate that strongly with my own identity. NO job = NO identity. So how do people know who they really are?
I know that in DBT practicing mindfullness and understanding your emotions is a huge step in the right direction but I still cannot help but feeling a little lost. I can identify emotions and give them a name, I can use skills to reduce the impulsivity that I once exhibited, I have been self-harm free for almost 2 years, which in itself is a huge achievement. But I still cannot clearly define who I am. I still struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth. I slip to easily back into my old habits of self-loathing and the one thing that I really struggled with through all the DBT training – judgements.
Judgements are really hard to move away from when you have been using them as a way to view the world, judgements of others can be harsh but judgments about yourself are worse. You are your harshest critic and with no self-esteem it is hard not to see those as true. As a result interactions with other people can be difficult but DBT skills do help. For me they pull me back into the present moment and try to take the situation at face value – which is so much harder when it is with Laurence.
Laurence is probably one of the only people who has the most knowledge about who I am. He has seen me at my best and worst and finds it hard to deal with the changes I have made. Is this understandable? Completely – I was volatile, one minute I would be okay the next smashing up the house and so my past behaviour is making it difficult for him to not panic about the future.
So I shall continue on the road to self discovery. If anyone has any tips they want to share I would love to hear them … I need all the help I can get.