I cannot believe that it has been almost a year since I began DBT skills training, and so much has changed…
I was lost, my marriage was failing apart because of my behaviour and it was questionable about how far my self harm would have gone and if I would have been successful in ending my life.
DBT was my last hope, my only hope, even though I was sceptical about the whole endeavour and to what level it would help. But I was desperate, wanting to not feel the way I was – lost and out of control. My emotions were ruling my behaviour and I felt out of control and unable to comprehend my true feelings.
So what has happened and what has changed:
- I have not hurt myself since October 2012
- I have recognised that emotions have a role to play and that getting rid of them is not a solution
- Anger is not the only emotion
- My emotions are my own and I will own them and know where they have come from
- How to communicate my needs and wants to others through improving my interpersonal effective skills
- The ability to identify the real ‘primary emotion’
- How to tolerate distress
These skills have been invaluable since my diagnosis of MS.
On the 18th December 2013 I was diagnosed – Merry Christmas to me!! MRI’s, blood tests and starting drug treatment in January, which would involve a day stay in Hospital.
I am now taking Gilenya, a drug that suppresses the immune system to reduce the frequency of attacks by up to 50%.
On the 23rd December I went on holiday to Fiji and was able to spend a lot of time thinking, being mindful and looking inside about how I was really feeling. MS is a chronic illness and they are making advances all the time but something that is difficult to handle is that others try to be reassuring. Telling me about their friends with MS and how they are dealing with the disease. Everyone is different, the progression of the disease is different and treatment is different.
I like to think that MS is not the end of the world I shall continue to fight and treat myself with compassion as and when my body has other ideas. I am not going to give in.
This diagnosis has turned my life upside down, it is resulting in me needing to move closer to Sydney, the potential that I would not be allowed to stay in Australia and a very high possibility of another move back to the UK.
Thank goodness for DBT otherwise I don’t think I would be coping right now.