So here it is a day when things did not go well and I am feeling crap about myself because I am judging myself and thinking about the stupidity I displayed today.
An issue at work had arisen and I needed to somehow fix it but because I was having “one of those days” all the hard work and skills I have been developing decided that they were going to have a holiday and leave me just when I could have done with them!!
So I need to unpick the situation and see where it all fell apart.
I needed something from my boss and the finance person at work – I did not know what to do or how to fix the problem (well I did I just had a failing of self-confidence and self-worth to actually be effective) so I spoke to my work colleagues and got a bit of a boost from them to help me.
I have blown through my works internet by doing my job – I updated our website to a new website.
I was asked not to do any more updates to it otherwise we would go over it. So I stopped.
However I needed to do a lot of updates which would mean adding pages, playing with structure and content and therefore technically doing what I had been asked not too. So what do you do … I was asked not to update the website (the website is pretty much done) but adding this new content would have caused work to go over their internet plan. Either way I would I would be in trouble – do the updates that I needed to do online and go over the limit or not do them and cause people to get angry at me.
I got the outcome I needed to do my job, using internet on a 4g wifi plan but I felt like complete rubbish as a result.
Why you ask:
- I could not handle it this myself making me question my abilities at being a normal human being, telling myself I was stupid, useless, not able to cope, a child and the list continued
- I felt guilt for including someone else due to my inadequacy and inability to deal with the situation
- I cried – I tried to tolerate it but I failed
- Leading to anger and more annoyance and more judgments
- I tried some distress tolerance – it made it possible for me to tolerate just
But this is an improvement to previous ways of handling a situation like this …
The crying was not as intense and ended sooner. I did not harm myself, I did not get angry and I did not raise my voice
So why do I still feel so crap?