This has been a really tough post to write, hence why it has taken me such a long time to even start it. I have been judging my inability to express my thoughts and feelings but here goes nothing but if it all comes out as a jumble – it is because this topic is particularly sensitive for me.
So my diagnosis of BPD is relatively new and to add to the issues of poor mental health I discovered that having children was not going to be easy without a lot of help from the medical profession and laboratories. Bringing with it a whole heap of JUDGEMENTS! Hence the topic for this post.
How am I dealing with this inability to have children – well not well at all. My default emotion is anger, super anger and explosive ANGER.
I hide the sadness because it is just to difficult to deal with but now is the time to accept my situation and move on, there is more to life than running away from sadness.
Thinking about this topic makes me sad, talking about this topic makes me sad, listening to other people’s happiness about having children makes me sad and well that all makes me sad and guilty.
At this point I am going to change they way I am approaching this and talk through situations and how past coping mechanisms are destructive.
Other people ask that dreaded question that people who can not have children hate and loathe “So when are you going to have Children?”
My response varies depending on my mood:
- When we are ready we may think about having children
- I can’t have children
These are two very different responses. With response one I lie, it is too difficult to explain to others, the sadness is overwhelming and it stops additional questions. Also means that I feel rubbish I hide from reality to make others comfortable and makes me feel like I cannot cope with reality and accept the situation leading to anger at myself. Response two, the anger has jumped to peak levels and I want to shut people down and indicate how insensitive the question can be.
So really what is happening:
- Split second of sadness and guilt – hidden from others
- Anger – which is always expressed
Hiding the sadness and guilt and jumping to anger comes with consequences:
- No one really knows how not being able to have children naturally really is because I don’t show it
- After explaining to family that they may not have grandchildren that they turn around and say “I just thought you did not want children”
- A lack of compassion from others about my situation if I just get angry at them
- Anger comes across as blame rather than sadness and guilt
In this situation the sadness is the justified emotion of course people will feel sad when something that is that important to me.
The guilt – not justified as this is no ones fault, it is just the situation we are in, if we want children IVF and ICSI will be the only way forward. Guilt implies that someone is to blame and that is not the case.
The anger – indicates that something is wrong = justified and gives motivation to change our world but no one has wronged me and no one is meant to know the situation. It would just be nice for people to think before they speak.
However, understanding and experiencing the sadness will not be easy and I shall continue to work on rather than the explosive anger which sends to others the wrong message.