Useless anger due to being judgemental – causes even more frustration

I am so annoyed at myself when I get so angry because I take something as a personal attack.

During the portion of the skills session when you discuss your homework I discussed my understanding of emotional mind, reasonable mind and wise mind in a situation.

The Situation: A colleague promised something that I might not be able to keep.

Emotional mind: I was annoyed at her for doing it, angry at her for making the promise without speaking to me, guilt that I would not be able to fix the problem, and shame.

Reasonable mind: she was pushing the responsibility onto me – if I interpret this (which I am not meant to do) she was feeling guilty of the situation and was making me feel bad about the situation.

Wise mind: Stay calm and explain that I may not be able to solve the situation.

Needless to say I got very angry at the situation and after repeatedly telling her that I could not fix the situation… she continued to go on about it – I felt attacked.

Whilst discussing this in group I was hurried whilst putting the situation into context and then got told I was using the wrong language and had to describe the situation in a different way.  It is my situation – and I felt uncomfortable about being told that I was not able to explain it the way I wanted.  But yet everyone before me got enough time to explain the situation.

I then was also questioned if my mindfulness practice was actually mindfulness  – well if going over a DEAR MAN in my head is then why can I not be able to mindfully think about my day and identify the positive things.

So I felt attacked twice – what a day.

So I need to look at this from the facts…

– There were a lot of people so we needed to get through the process in a timely fashion.

– I was near the end and I felt like I was rushed.

– I can sometimes stray from the topic – but this is to provide context as when I have done this in the past I have been asked to say more on the situation.

– The mindfulness discussion mainly took the form of the facilitators discussing if it was mindfulness and I was unable to tell them my observations hindering my time to discuss my homework.

– Mindfulness can be done in any context and even having a conversation – so I felt confused as to why it was being questioned.

– The consequence was that I felt like I was being attacked.

So here I am sat here writing this post, drinking wine and feeling: like complete shit, feeling that I want to give up and forget it all and just crawl into a whole and die and not able to stop crying.

But tomorrow is another day.

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