I am so annoyed at myself when I get so angry because I take something as a personal attack.
During the portion of the skills session when you discuss your homework I discussed my understanding of emotional mind, reasonable mind and wise mind in a situation.
The Situation: A colleague promised something that I might not be able to keep.
Emotional mind: I was annoyed at her for doing it, angry at her for making the promise without speaking to me, guilt that I would not be able to fix the problem, and shame.
Reasonable mind: she was pushing the responsibility onto me – if I interpret this (which I am not meant to do) she was feeling guilty of the situation and was making me feel bad about the situation.
Wise mind: Stay calm and explain that I may not be able to solve the situation.
Needless to say I got very angry at the situation and after repeatedly telling her that I could not fix the situation… she continued to go on about it – I felt attacked.
Whilst discussing this in group I was hurried whilst putting the situation into context and then got told I was using the wrong language and had to describe the situation in a different way. It is my situation – and I felt uncomfortable about being told that I was not able to explain it the way I wanted. But yet everyone before me got enough time to explain the situation.
I then was also questioned if my mindfulness practice was actually mindfulness – well if going over a DEAR MAN in my head is then why can I not be able to mindfully think about my day and identify the positive things.
So I felt attacked twice – what a day.
So I need to look at this from the facts…
– There were a lot of people so we needed to get through the process in a timely fashion.
– I was near the end and I felt like I was rushed.
– I can sometimes stray from the topic – but this is to provide context as when I have done this in the past I have been asked to say more on the situation.
– The mindfulness discussion mainly took the form of the facilitators discussing if it was mindfulness and I was unable to tell them my observations hindering my time to discuss my homework.
– Mindfulness can be done in any context and even having a conversation – so I felt confused as to why it was being questioned.
– The consequence was that I felt like I was being attacked.
So here I am sat here writing this post, drinking wine and feeling: like complete shit, feeling that I want to give up and forget it all and just crawl into a whole and die and not able to stop crying.
But tomorrow is another day.