Impulsivity – always screws things up

When I get stuck in emotion mind it is so difficult to not do impulsive things, which ultimately screws things up in the long run.  So my quest is to try and minimise this impulsivity and repair the underlying issue that causes some of the emotion.

My latest impulsive moment was this week at work.

I got an email from my boss saying I need the following things confirmed by lunch time – sounds simple and something that should not cause an emotional reaction, right?

Well no! I wish that did happen …

My last post on selfishness explains the lead up to the situation so I was already a little stuck in my emotion mind I got the email and automatically went into emotional overdrive – I was angry.  All I wanted to do was defend myself as to the circumstances leading up to getting the following outcomes outlined.

So I wrote a huge email not really answering what he wanted.  In normal situations before thinking I would just hit the send button.

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But I stopped – a huge achievement in itself! 

I looked at it and decided that this was wrong but I could not identify what the problem was.  So I went to my colleagues at work and asked them to look at the email that I was sent and the email I was going to reply with.

After just one look she could see the problem – I was taking the email personally and not just the facts 😦

So she helped me write the email just expressing the facts.  And I got a good reply from my boss.

Disaster averted … woho

But …

I could not cling onto the positives of this situation I started to judge myself.

– Why could I not do it myself? I am just stupid everyone else can do this

– Frustration on my own abilities and how I am responding to DBT slowly

– My colleague wanted to know why I take everything so personally – because I am a nut job … (I have not told people at work the real problem is more than just depression but BPD)

– Feeling like complete crap because someone else is questioning why I am like this … and worrying about what she was thinking – not in a positive way about me that was for sure

However, the anger even though it was the primary emotion it is underpinned by sadness (secondary emotion) due to a lack of Self Respect.  I have so little self respect that I am desperately trying to hold onto what little shred there maybe that I take everything as an attack.  I put my heart and sole into my work, I spend hours and become emotional about everything.

So it boils down to self respect.  First things first – how do I get that back?

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