Selfishness – sounds like something that would benefit me … right?

MP900255382One thing that I have read constantly about people with BPD is the fact that we are selfish.  The world revolves around us, our emotions and our needs.  But I really have to disagree and here is why…

When I hear that someone is being selfish I think about the way that someone else is purely out to get a benefit for themselves with no understanding of those around you.  Or am I mistaken? I think of young children where they believe that the word revolves around them and it takes them time to grow and understand that there are others around them that have thoughts feelings and opinions of their own.

But I would like to think that I am the complete opposite of this and as a result:

– I say yes with out thinking of the consequences or impact that the request has on me

– Bend over backwards and put my full effort in to ensure that I am able to deliver what it is they have asked for

– Am unable to ask things from others or delegate – although this has gotten better as a result of DBT skills from interpersonal effectiveness

– I shy away from getting my needs and wants met

– Most of the time I do not know what my objectives are out of any given situation

– If things go wrong and they are “disappointed” I take it as a personal attack, I feel the guilt that I have let them down and I judge myself in the worst possible ways.

No I feel that is not selfish, and if the world is revolving around me then I am taking all the responsibility and crap that comes with it.

IceThe reason for this post is because of my melt down at work.  I have been working so hard on skills and not allowing my emotions to rule my behaviour and be in control that I am now doing all the things that make it worse.

I got an email at work as I was just about to walk out the door to a meeting which stated that they were disappointed that something was not going to happen by the deadline.

How I took this:

– You have not done enough

– You have had two weeks to work on this and you still have not fulfilled what was expected

– Your suck

– Your crap

– You can not do your job properly

– You have to fix it now …

= me in a melt down because I think it is all my fault …….. So maybe I am a little selfish here but not in a positive way for me!

Taking a step back and looking at from the facts (always easier said then done):

– The person is stressed about making sure everything is perfect for this event and is expressing what she is feeling

– I have been working extremely hard to got what is required in the 2 week time frame

– Installation will be hampered by the weather not the fact I did not do what was required

– I have met what was asked just that other factors outside of my control have become the issue

– I am reacting to this at a time that is not helpful as I am about to go off to another meeting because my job is more than just getting this one thing done

Looking at this I can see where it went wrong … always great looking back at things in hindsight! and I think this will be something that I go through with my therapist as I needed to call the DBT phone (a phone system that allows me to speak to a therapist and provide coaching to help me through a situation) to help me get out from my emotional mind.

So maybe I am selfish I put everything done to me being in the wrong and then judging myself … but I don’t think it is selfishness.  I dunno what do you think?


2 responses to “Selfishness – sounds like something that would benefit me … right?

  1. You don’t seem selfish to me at all. From what I’ve read of BPD, I don’t think people with it are selfish. Name calling someone/or a group selfish says more about the person saying it than the person/group. Lack of understanding in mental health no matter what your dealing with (I have bipolar) seems to be the number 1 culprit. My boyfriend was worried when his therapist told him of a bipolar person who killed her own child. And that applies to me, how? I’ve never been violent in my life!

    • Thank you – I find that labels are tricky and selfish is just another one of those labels. There is so much stigma associated with all mental illness and if we can do something to change it the better.

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