Guilt and shame of past behaviour has been a weight upon my shoulders particularly the way I react and behave to those that is closest too. One person in particular who has stuck with me and not run away like any sane person might is my husband. Although I have major issues with trust and being able to open up and put myself in a situation that makes me vulnerable which means I fail to communicate my feelings and opinions BUT he still stays.
– Exploding like a volcano as a result of bottling up my feelings and opinions and lashing out at my husband
– Chaotic emotions that would send mixed messages
– Deliberate use of words to hurt my husband and attack his mental health
– Hurt myself and make him feel guilty
– Blaming him for some of my behaviour
– Physical lashing out (throwing things, breaking things etc.)
He got to the point where he could take no more, watching me self-destruct, using him to destroy myself further but not see the problems with myself. With the final words – “If you don’t get help I will leave you”
Well why the hell had he stayed this long, it was inevitable that he would leave because my behaviour had driven him to it and that he is scared of me.
All of the things I have done, all of my behaviour – who would have thought he would get to that point.
So there are negative emotions running around my head, shame, fear, anger, sadness, anxiety all load in.
Under DBT the thought is that you should balance and compare two things that appear different or even contradictory. So this for me is changing behaviour whilst at the same time accepting things the way they are. Accepting my past behaviour …
Radical acceptance is the only way to move on and so I need to embrace these negative feelings and reduce the judgements I make about myself. Taking the non-judgemental stance and review the facts of my past behaviour.
In the past:
– I did not have the skills to handle my emotions
– I was unable to identify the emotions that I experienced
– I did not have the interpersonal skills to be able to express my feelings and opinions
So this is something for me to work on … it is not easy and causes a whole range of urges – going back to my normal coping mechanisms (self harm, alcohol and spending). But doing those would make me feel worse so I shall not succumb … I am stronger than that.
I shall spend some more time reading about radical acceptance, and work on the non-judgemental stance. It seems to be the thing that I full flat on my face with and then feel stupid – JUDGMENT!!! I find not judging myself a very difficult idea and will not be easy.
All I can say ONWARDS …