It is all to often a split second before my emotions take over and there is no way to rain them back in. Reasonable mind and wise mind make this made dash to safety and jump out the window to save themselves!
It is easy to reflect, look back, and unpick the situation – sometimes I can do this on my own but at the moment I need help, a facilitator and my therapist has been doing this. But she is not there all the time and I need to become capable.
I think I am putting way to much pressure on myself – I know that I am but I want to be “normal” but without the pressure I question whether I will succeed. This is an old coping mechanism, a way I have survived, the intense level of responsibility for not only myself, because I felt no one else really did that, but for the entire world.
Growing up so fast to be the responsible one was tough and has screwed me over, there are other things that have contributed to this but this is pretty huge.
So I shall continue to work, and I think it is an achievement in itself to actually be able to identify the point it goes downhill and that is something I really need to cling onto and be proud. I am getting better and should feel good. But yet I can’t. I need to grow my self respect.